I used to be afraid of being loved
A woman has to have a sense of sovereignty and power in order to feel safe allowing her life to unfold organically — including allowing a potential lover to pursue her.
My partner and I have some big changes coming up that are exciting but stressful, so I’m making an effort to prioritize self-care. Last night I went to a sound bath / yin yoga class, then treated myself to dinner at one of my favorite low-key local eateries, where I had a turkey sandwich, butternut squash soup, and caramel sea salt cheesecake for dessert.
As I left the restaurant, I drove past a group of about seven women standing in the parking lot talking after their dinner. A couple of them looked in my direction and smiled as I drove by. I didn’t react externally, but I noticed I felt slight discomfort for no particular reason.
As I drove down the street, I realized that’s been my knee-jerk reaction most of my life to strangers looking at me or trying to engage with me. Stranger danger. Within about a minute, I realized these women in the restaurant parking lot probably were just being friendly.
I laughed out loud as I drove, because of the absurdity of my initial fearful reaction. I laughed some more as I realized this has probably happened hundreds of times throughout my life: People being friendly or wanting to engage with me, and my reacting with coldness because on some deep subconscious level I considered them a threat.
The layers of childhood trauma run so deep and show up in countless ways, taking decades to unravel.
As I continued driving home, it occurred to me that …